Remember when I posted about the struggles of getting back into a workout routine at the gym? Well, the struggle is still real. Five years ago I had weight loss surgery and that in itself has been a whirlwind. I lost over 130 pounds. Yes, you read that right. How did I get there? Why couldn’t I take the weight off as easily as I put it on. Don’t get me wrong – I was happy and I accepted my weight, but then I had days I was incredibly depressed. I couldn’t enjoy many of the things my husband was doing with my kids such as long hikes, bike rides and, well, pretty much anything involving strenuous activity. After my weight loss surgery, I had a tummy tuck to remove the excess skin. I had major complications after that surgery. In fact, I was sick for nearly a year following. To be honest, I lost too much weight too fast. Ironic how I hoped to lose it as quickly as I gained it and now I’m having the issues I was having. Needless to say, it has been a yo-yo type of life cycle.
During Clay’s last tour overseas, I began to slowly put back on the weight. Initially, I wasn’t concerned. Everything was okay. Then the weight gain wouldn’t stop despite the fact that I was still eating healthy and following the rules and tricks I had learned post weight loss surgery five years ago. The rules are, in order:
- Protein – eat this portion first
- Fruit/Veggies – next are the fruits and veggies
- Healthy carb – eat this last
I have kept a lot of this quiet for the last year and a half because I am embarrassed. I feel like a failure. Truth be told, I put my identity in the wrong place. I should be putting it in Christ, not in my weight. I’ve been wrestling with the weight loss demon. I’ve been trying to live up to an expectation that is not honoring to God nor my family. However, my husband has been wonderful. He is constantly building me up and saturating me with words of affirmation. Really, he spoils me. I’ve come to realize that is me. When I struggle with living a healthy lifestyle and weight gain, I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself. I think that is the problem that we, as women, sometimes have. There’s this portrait that is painted by society, the media, television, movies, and ourselves that leads us to believe that we need to look a certain way.
I became fearful that this road I was traveling down would lead back to the massive number displayed on the scale I tried to avoid. Let me reiterate something you all know – Fear is NOT of the Lord! I needed to trust Him. I needed to listen to my husband during his many talks of encouragement. I needed to get back into my Bible studies. Here are some conclusions that I came to:
- While I was trying to follow the rules, was I doing everything as healthy as I could?
- The Lord makes all shapes and sizes. He loves us ALL. Maybe I need a hashtag #allshapesmatter HA!
- There are people who are super skinny and yet totally unhealthy. There are people who are heavier that have zero health problems.
- I needed a complete work up with my physician to find out what was going on. Weight loss surgery folks are SUPPOSED to be having blood work examinations every year. Unfortunately, I had not kept up with that!
- Was my weight loss becoming an idol? Was it taking control of my life? I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it had started to become an idol and taking over my life.
- I needed to search God’s Word as well as investigate ways to live a more healthy lifestyle. My focus had gone from following the weight loss rules to focusing on the numbers displayed on the weight scale.
God had His way with me. I spent time talking with my husband. I realized that part of my hang up came from something back in our first years of marriage. Although I was chunky during our first few years of marriage, my husband has NEVER made fun of my weight. However, he did struggle from a porn addiction. That addiction nearly killed our marriage before our marriage really even had the chance to get off the ground. Anyway, while my husband didn’t make fun of me, I had equated his addiction to porn to my weight. That was a lie straight from the devil! There it was. The devil found that one way to root himself into my life and he was winning! This thought that formed in my head to ruin my marriage was creeping back into my life. This feeling of not being worthy enough for my husband was coming back to haunt me. I had already forgiven my husband and had moved past it. My husband had overcome his addiction years ago, thanks be to God. Our marriage is stronger than ever. Why was I having these thoughts again?
[clickToTweet tweet=”I had equated his addiction to porn to my weight. That was a lie straight from the devil! #porn” quote=”I had equated his addiction to porn to my weight. That was a lie straight from the devil! #porn” theme=”style2"]
So I had to go into my prayer room. I had to spend a lot of time with the Lord and in His Word. Around that time we were also doing a Bible study called The Armor of God. I had to suit up and prepare for battle. That was the first step. The second step was to find a way to live a healthy life.
During this time of healing emotionally and spiritually my blood work and tests came back. I am borderline diabetic. What does that mean? I’m not diabetic, but I’m awfully close. I have a Vitamin D deficiency and I also have extremely low iron. It was time to fix my health from the inside out.
Also!!! For my lovely readers, I want to see you succeed. So I am also giving you access to my meal planning printable! FREE!!!