I was offered an internship in Texas and had decided to take it. This decision was not difficult, but it was. Confused yet? The pros did not outweigh the cons and vice versa. I didn’t want to leave my family, but I felt I needed to make a life for myself considering I was still not married. I wondered if God had forgotten about me, but I was trying to write my own story instead of allowing Him to write the story for me. My mom supported my decision to go, but I don’t think neither my dad nor mom were really ok with me going, yet neither told me no. I packed up my office and the stuff in my house and headed out. My mom drove with me out there and we found a nice apartment in a pretty nice area. She wanted to make sure I was safe.
It was strange being in a new city and not knowing anyone. I had fallen in love with Texas when I had went there a year or so before for Doula training. I felt this decision was meant to be. The only person in Texas that I knew lived in Houston, which was a few hours away. I began my internship and took a job with the same company that offered the internship. I was really excited about what I was going to learn. This was going to allow me to take on clients as I learned. I began my career as a Postpartum Doula and life seemed like it was falling into place.
Life was great! I actually believed that! However, life was lacking. I had not found a church, nor had I tried. I hadn’t really talked to God about any of these decisions. I was living for me. My mom left and went back home. She was unsettled and didn’t want me to do foolish things. I was sure that I was protected from pretty much anything bad because everything seemed to be going so well.
I had travelled so far away from God’s design. I was still single and still fell under my parent’s headship, specifically my dad’s headship, until I married. Looking back, I don’t recall asking him about moving to Texas. I only remember telling him the decision had been made. I don’t recall praying about moving, just deciding it was meant to be. Sometimes God will use anything to get your attention. I won’t get into all the details about what happened to get my attention, but I will give you some.
I became very ill. I was working for this new client continue the internship and live my life. However, it wasn’t a flu type of illness or a pneumonia type of illness. It was a morning sickness type of illness. The mistakes I had made were finally catching up to me. Could this be the mistake that did me in? I was scared to tell my parents. So I did what any girl would do. I told my sister first. She’s not actually my sister. She’s my cousin, but we grew up together and are still as close as sisters should be. She pledged to support me in anyway possible and not once did she point out my sins. Besides, I am pretty sure she knew that I knew them all. Next I told my brother. He wasn’t as pleasant to talk to, but he also supported me.
I put off telling my parents for a while but I knew that eventually I would have to tell them. I dreaded it. I felt sure my Dad would kill me. Finally my brother told me if I didn’t tell them he was going to, and I knew that would be worse. So I came clean. Nothing like a confession like that. My mom cried of course. My Dad refused to talk to me, in fact it was about 8 months before he would speak to me again and even then, it wasn’t till I had the baby that he really spoke to me. My mom flew out to Texas and told me I was coming home. I didn’t argue. I had no fight and besides I needed them. As much as my parents may have been heartbroken and angry. My mom knew that the baby was not the sin itself.
As time progressed my parents supported me in so many ways. I went back to church and promised God that I would try my hardest to bring my baby up to know and love the Lord. The first time I went back to church I felt it was going to be like a courtroom where the judge is lined up and God would surely strike me down. He didn’t. I faithfully attended church and Bible study after this. I rededicated myself back to God and wanted to be a good mother.
My oldest boy was born at a paltry weight of 11 pounds 5 ounces. He was perfect. Despite my sins, God gave me a gift. I would love to tell you that my life was a fairy tale after his birth. I would love to tell you that God turned all the bad into good and life was easy. Unfortunately, life wasn’t easy. Sometimes the choices we make have consequences. The kind of consequences not only affect us, but also affect those we love the most. I would also love to say that once I rededicated myself to God that I figured life out and how to turn totally way from my sins. Well, that didn’t happen neither. I made a mess of many things during this time of learning, but one thing I know….through it all God loved me and thank goodness my family never left me either.
As time went on, I did reap what I had sown, life got worse in some ways and better in others. I was on a bumpy ride that just wouldn’t end. Sometimes, I would just cry out to God and ask him how much I had to suffer and endure before I paid for my sins. I would love to go into all that happened, but it would take a very long time. I was in church through all this and growing in Christ and that is what was so important. I met my husband during this time, when my oldest was still really small. We only dated a few months and married. I realized during it all, that while my actions and disobedience to God had consequences, Christ took the fall for my sins. I had asked forgiveness and turned my life back to his ways, I had to forgive myself and heal.
My husband is a wonderful man. He didn’t just fall in love with me, he fell in love with my son as well. He wanted to raise my son as his own and has never made a difference in him and our other kids. He told me before we married that he did not want me working. He wanted me to stay home with my son and take care of him and our home. I am more blessed by this man than I can even describe. I didn’t deserve such a man, yet God saw fit to give him to me. I don’t deserve Christ either, yet He still laid down His life for me. You see, sisters, God DOES care about us and our desires. I had always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I wanted to follow Christ and be a Keeper of the Home. In the early days of my husband and I dating, we dug into the word of God and I could see how God was going to bless our marriage.
I wanted the knight and shining armor. I put my expectations of how my husband should treat me on a pedestal. I was so quick to go to the scripture that says he was to love me as Christ loved the church; however I failed to realize that I was responsible for my 100%. I was much to hard on him. He worked very long hours and he had no control over his schedule and hours. The Army had that control. The first year we had some growing pains for sure.
We both loved Christ and we wanted to serve Him. We wanted to live for Him but it was difficult trying to figure out how to live for Him. Sacrificing our will was the hard part. I finally found a book that I had heard a lot about. The authors are pretty controversial but none the less, this book is highly regarded in the Christian marriage front. Created to be a helpmeet, is the name of the book. When I first picked it up and started to read, I threw it across the room. 🙂
Eventually, I picked it up again and read it finally. Then I went back through it and highlighted and took notes. Eventually I heard of a package they were giving out to active duty military. I ordered it and in it was a marriage DVD. I won’t profess to agree with everything that the authors say, but this particular DVD had one part that really stood out to both my husband and I. Regardless of what the other party does, we are still responsible for our 100%. WOW!!!
That was a huge turning point in life for us. I won’t deny that there were still challenges or we woke up and all was merry. We still had much work to do, but it was so worth it. Each day we fell more and more in love with each other. We continued to grow in Christ and with each other. As many years has now passed since that time, I can say my husband and I while neither of us are perfect, we love each other unconditionally and we want the best for each other.
So why with my past do I blog on modesty, homeschool, marriage and Christ? I have no idea. it has just fell into my lap. I think of it like this, there are so many folks in the Bible that had a hard past, and finally turned life around and followed Christ, Paul for example. I pray God will use me. I am not any better than anyone else who reads this blog. I am sure I may have a much messy past then some, maybe a cleaner past then others. We are all sinners though and those of us in Christ, are forgiven, redeemed, set free! I am hoping my path to modesty, and not just in dress, in heart too, helps others relate.
I am thankful for a heavenly father who never gave up in a wretch like me. I am thankful for the many times Christ has helped me pick myself up again, and again, and again. I am thankful that despite the hard times, I can look back and be thankful for the lessons. I am thankful for my husband who had forgiven me of many faults, my parents who have put up with a lot, yet they too have forgiven me of much, and I am thankful for other family and friends who have journeyed with me during my life and have taught me so much and given me so much grace.
To my readers, don’t think your past is to sticky for God to use you. When you repent, and turn away from your sin, I know God has a place for you. It may be big or it may be small. If your still on your journey, I want to encourage you to not give up. Dig into the word, find a Titus 2 mentor, surround yourself with godly fellowship. Don’t forsake going to church while you grow and change either! Remember, church is full of sinners so you don’t need to stay away:).
I hope my journey has blessed you. Thank you all for bearing with me these past few weeks.
Here is what I wore to church today 🙂
Pictures were taken inside the church because it was raining outside.
Hat: Fred Myer bought last year
Black Tank: Christopher and Banks half price sale
Black flowy t-shirt: I am not sure the brand but I got it off Very Jane
Purple Sweater: Christopher and Banks 50% off
Skirt: Christopher and Banks
Black Boots that you cannot see:) : Ann Klein bought at the Exchange during their annual boot sale last year.